[MUSIC]
ERIC!
DONNA, THIS IS A TRICKY MANEUVER, OKAY?
I NEED QUIET.
[TAPS ON GLASS]
OH, MY GOD! IT'S THE COPS!
ERIC!
WE'RE... COMPLETELY NAKED!
UH...
DON'T PANIC.
I, UH... I HAVE A PLAN. OKAY.
[CLEARS THROAT]
GO... AWAY!
THAT'S THE PLAN? THAT'S NOT A GOOD PLAN!
YEAH! NO, THAT'S THE PLAN.
I MEAN, WE'RE TOTALLY NAKED.
I THINK HE'LL PROBABLY JUST GO AWAY.
[TAP TAP]
CRAP. HAVE YOU SEEN MY PANTS?
WHERE YOU GOING?
OUT.
WHERE?
A PLACE.
WHO WITH?
DOCTORS AND STOCKBROKERS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, HOLY HELL!
♪ HANGIN' OUT ♪
♪ DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ THE SAME OLD THING ♪
♪ WE DID LAST WEEK ♪
♪ NOT A THING TO DO ♪
♪ BUT TALK TO YOU ♪
♪ WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ WE'RE ALL ALL RIGHT ♪
HELLO, WISCONSIN!
AND... AND... AND THE HEATER IS BROKEN IN VISTA CRUISER.
THAT'S WHY IT WAS SO HOT. SO, UH...
YOU KNOW, NATURALLY WE REMOVED 1 OR 2 ARTICLES OF CLOTHING,
WHICH, YOU KNOW, IN RETROSPECT WAS PROBABLY
NOT THAT GOOD OF AN IDEA.
ERIC...
HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
SHOULD HAVE CRACKED A WINDOW.
GOOD THINKING.
ERIC... WE KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING
IN THE CAR!
NO.
WE DON'T KNOW...
TRUST ME. WE KNOW.
NO. NO. WE DON'T KNOW.
I KNOW! I KNOW!
OF COURSE YOU KNOW. YOU... MAJORED IN IT.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
MR. FORMAN? UH...
IT WAS MY IDEA, TOO,
SO, UM...
PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ERIC. BECAUSE...
WHAT?!
JUST PLAY DEAD AND COVER YOUR FACE.
NO, ERIC. IT'S OKAY.
AHEM.
WHAT WE DID WAS A CHOICE
THAT WE MADE...
A CHOICE WE MADE
AS ADULTS.
OH, REALLY?
YOU'RE AN ADULT?
DON'T ANSWER. IT'S A TRAP!
YES. WE'RE ADULTS.
OKAY, DONNA.
THEN AS AN ADULT, I EXPECT YOU
TO GO NEXT DOOR AND TELL BOB AND MIDGE
JUST EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT.
OKAY.
I'LL TELL THEM.
GOOD! AND I'M GONNA CHECK TO SEE THAT YOU DID.
OH, COME ON! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
DONNA, I WON'T KEEP SOMETHING LIKE THIS FROM YOUR PARENTS.
THEY THINK WE'RE FRIENDS.
[MUSIC]
HEY, COOL, MAN. A CB RADIO!
YEAH! HA. SO I NARROWED DOWN
MY POTENTIAL CB HANDLES TO 2 CHOICES...
EITHER STUD KICKASS OR FLEX BUFFCHEST.
GEE, KELSO. WHAT ABOUT... BEEF DINGLEBERRY?
OH, GREAT. NOW I GOT 3 CHOICES.
Girl: BREAKER, 1-9, BREAKER, 1-9.
THIS IS HOT TO TROT.
Second girl: FOXY LADY.
Third girl: AND NICE AND EASY.
OH, MY GOD. THEY SOUND NICE!
AND EASY.
QUICK! COME ON, WE NEED HANDLES
SO WE CAN TALK TO 'EM!
OKAY, UH... OH! OH! WE'LL BE THE MOD SQUAD.
THAT'S PERFECT! I'M LINK.
I'M LINK.
WHY DO YOU GET TO BE LINK?
THE MAGIC FR-RO, BABY!
OKAY.
WELL, I GOT DIBS ON PETE.
OKAY, THEN, WHAT IS MY MACHO COP HANDLE?
JULIE. JULIE.
HA HA HA HA!
[COUNTRY ACCENT] BREAKER 1-9, BREAKER 1-9.
THIS IS PETE.
I'M LINK.
AND JULIE.
IT IS SO NICE TO TALK TO YOU, MY LOVELIES.
[GIRL GIGGLES] HEY, JULIE.
COOL ACCENT. YOU SOUND SEXY.
[WITH ACCENT] ACCENT? WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND?
YEAH. THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT I WANNA
TELL YOU GUYS.
ERIC AND I HAVE BEEN GOING OUT FOR A WHILE NOW,
AND WE DID SOMETHING YOU TWO SHOULD KNOW ABOUT.
YES?
WELL... SEE, ERIC AND I...
UH... WE, UM...
WE...
RODE THE FORMANS' MOTORCYCLE!
WHEW! THERE! I SAID IT!
WEIGHT IS JUST OFF MY SHOULDERS!
DONNA, THAT WAS WRONG.
BUT NOT AS WRONG AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN,
'CAUSE IT COULD HAVE BEEN...
SEX!
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, TOO!
WHAT?!
NO, THAT'S CRAZY!
THAT'S... THAT'S SILLY!
YOU GUYS ARE SILLY GOOSES!
YOU MAKE ME LAUGH...
'CAUSE YOU'RE SILLY!
HA HA HA HA!
SO THE COPS CAUGHT YOU DOING IT?
OH, MY GOD.
THAT IS SUCH A TURN-ON!
THAT IS NOT A TURN-ON!
YOU'RE A LITTLE PERVERT!
JACKIE, I HAVE A BIG PROBLEM.
HOW AM I GONNA TELL MY PARENTS?
OKAY.
IF YOU NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM, YOU SHOULD GO NOW.
'CAUSE I HAVE A LOT TO SAY.
NO. I'M FINE. THANKS.
OKAY. YOUR FIRST MISTAKE...
WAS WEARING PANTS FOR CAR SEX.
WHEN YOU DO IT IN THE CAR,
SKIRTS ARE YOUR BEST FRIEND.
ZIP, ZIP, BIM, BAM,
YOU'RE DONE, YOU'RE DRESSED, YOU'RE BACK AT THE MALL.
JACKIE, I'M SCREWED.
IF I TELL MY PARENTS, ONLY 1 OF 2 THINGS CAN HAPPEN:
THEY'LL EITHER BE FURIOUS...
OR THEY'LL ASK ME HOW IT WAS.
[BABY NOISES]
OKAY, NOW...
HAVE SOME PE-EE-EAS!
I'D RATHER HAVE SEX
WITH DONNA.
MMM!
TAPIOCA!
MMM!
SEX WITH DONNA!
WELL, YOU...
YOU ARE JUST SO CUTE.
HA HA HA HA HA!
SAY MA-MA.
SEX WITH DON-NA.
NO, BABY, NO.
YES!
NO! YES!
NO!
NO... YES!
KITTY!
SLUT!
WHAT?
NOTHING.
ARE YOU OKAY?
I'M FINE.
KITTY, WHEN IT'S 3:00 ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON
AND YOU'RE STILL IN BED,
I KNOW SOMETHING'S WRONG.
OH, RED, I'M FINE.
WHY SHOULD I CARE
THAT MY... MY SWEET BABY BOY WAS...
DEFILED BY SOME JIGGLY, RED-HAIRED TRAMP?!
KITTY...
WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT
IS HOW SHE TRICKED HIM INTO IT!
LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS COMING.
YOU'RE ALWAYS SHOWING ERIC ANATOMICAL DIAGRAMS
AND CHARTS AND SLIDES.
YOU BEEN PREPPIN' HIM SINCE HE WAS 6!
ARE YOU BLAMING ME?
NO, NO, HA HA.
HECK NO!
IT'S MY FAULT.
MEN ARE DIRTY. IT'S...
WELL, GOOD.
KITTY, I JUST WANT YOU TO GET OUTTA BED.
YOU KNOW, NONE OF US HAVE HAD LUNCH, AND, UH...
WE'RE KINDA HUNGRY.
WELL, IT'S A HOUSE FULL OF GROWN MEN,
AND I WOULD THINK THAT ONE OF YOU FULLY GROWN MEN
WOULD KNOW HOW TO MAKE A DAMN SANDWICH!
WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD GO...
I SURE AS HELL WOULD!
AND WHEN BOB AND MIDGE LOOK AT ME WITH THEIR BIG, DUMB EYES,
I JUST...
I CAN'T FIND THE WORDS.
OKAY, DONNA. I'VE GIVEN THIS A LOT OF THOUGHT,
AND I THINK I SHOULD BE THE ONE TO TELL YOUR PARENTS
WE HAD SEX.
OH, MY GOD!
ERIC, THAT IS SO GREAT! THANK YOU!
WHAT? NO. NO! WHAT?! NO!!
IT WAS A BLUFF! I WAS BLUFFING TO SEEM NICE.
OH, CRAP, THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
FINE. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
WHAT? NO, WAIT. LOOK.
WE TOLD MY PARENTS TOGETHER, SO...
HEY... LET'S TELL YOUR PARENTS TOGETHER.
THANK YOU!
SO DO YOU WANNA GO GET IT OVER WITH?
YEAH. LET'S GO TELL YOUR PARENTS. OKAY!
OKAY.
DONNA, I WANNA GO WITH YOU, BUT...
[TEARFULLY] MY LEGS HAVE GONE NUMB.
BREAKER 1-9, BREAKER 1-9.
THIS IS PETE, LINK, AND JULIE.
WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR A 20 ON HOT TO TROT,
FOXY LADY, AND NICE AND EASY. OVER?
Hot to Trot: HEY, GUYS.
AHEM.
[BORED] HELLO, HOT TO TROT.
THIS IS JULIE.
I WAS JUST WONDERING...
ARE YOU FAT?
WHOA, FEZ!
NO ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT A BAD QUESTION.
Hot to Trot: WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
COME SEE FOR YOURSELVES?
WE CAN MEET TONIGHT.
OH, TONIGHT? TCH...
NO, TONIGHT WE HAVE TO WATCH LOVE BOAT, SO...
AS SOON AS I HEARD YOU WERE DOWN, MRS. FORMAN,
I HAD TO COME AND SEE YOU.
BECAUSE I KNOW THE BLUES.
BUT YOU KNOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS DONNA'S ON THE PILL.
SO...
THEY CAN DO IT, LIKE, A ZILLION TIMES A DAY,
AND NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!
TCH. YEAH. THEY CAN JUST DO IT AND DO IT AND DO IT
AND DO IT AND DO IT.
JACKIE!
GOOD. YOU'RE HERE.
GET OUT.
BUT I'M TRYING TO HELP.
OH, YOU WANNA HELP?
GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH.
SO, KITTY...
YOU THINK MAYBE, UH, IT'S TIME TO GET UP?
NO.
OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT, KITTY?
YOU GOTTA SHAPE UP!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE ALL SURPRISED
THAT YOUR 17-YEAR-OLD
IS DOING WHAT 17-YEAR-OLDS DO!
BIG DEAL!
NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA BED AND BUCK UP!
OH, JEEZ, HONEY, I'M SORRY.
[SCREAMS] GET OUT!
SO... WHAT DO YOU KIDS NEED TO TELL US?
I TRIED TO GUESS, BUT MY MIND'S A TOTAL BLANK!
ACTUALLY... MRS. PINCIOTTI, MR. PINCIOTTI,
IT'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL YOU.
SORRY. I ALMOST THREW UP.
I'M FINE NOW.
YOU BOTH KNOW... HOW MUCH...
I RESPECT YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER,
AND, UH...
FUNNY THING ABOUT LOVE... HA HA... FUNNY...
lS, UH, SOMETIMES...
WE... EXPRESS IT... IN A... IN A PHYSICAL WAY.
YOU BETTER NOT SAY WHAT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA SAY.
'CAUSE I'LL BE MAD.
AND FUNNY THING ABOUT MAD...
HA HA...
IS SOMETIMES I EXPRESS IT IN A PHYSICAL WAY.
I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER. AND...
I TOTALLY RESPECT HER,
AND I NEVER STOPPED RESPECTING HER.
EVEN WHEN THE COPS CAME.
WELL, I'M SORRY, ERIC, BUT I STILL GOTTA TWIST
YOUR NECK SHUT.
DAD, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULDN'T BE THREATENING ERIC.
YOU SHOULD BE, UH... THANKING HIM.
WHAT? WHAT?
WOW!
HE'S TREATED ME LIKE A QUEEN
SINCE THE DAY WE STARTED DATING.
ERIC AND I HAVE SEX.
THERE. YOU KNOW.
AT LEAST I HAVE A NICE BOYFRIEND
AND NOW SOME JUVENILE DELINQUENT.
LIKE THAT FONZIE!
WELL, THAT...
THAT'S NICE.
AND AT LEAST ERIC HAD THE GUTS TO COME OVER HERE
AND TELL YOU MAN-TO-MAN.
WELL...
I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
AND THANK YOU FOR BEING HONEST.
THAT TOOK A LOT OF COURAGE,
DIDN'T IT, BOB?
I'M GOIN' TO BED.
SO...
HOW WAS IT?
OH, GOD!
BOY, OH, BOY.
I TELL YA, ERIC.
YOU TAKE THE CAKE!
AW, MAN, THERE'S CAKE?
THERE'S NO CAKE.
WE'RE ALL STARVING TO DEATH,
AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
YOU BROKE YOUR MOTHER'S HEART!
SHE'S UP THERE CRYING
ABOUT HOW YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP
AND YOU DON'T NEED HER ANYMORE.
WELL, THAT...
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I KNOW THAT.
YOU'RE A HELPLESS IDIOT!
HUH. OKAY.
I... I COULD PRETEND TO NEED HELP
WITH MY HOMEWORK.
OH, NO, NO ONE GIVES A CRAP ABOUT THAT.
OKAY. OH! I COULD PRETEND TO BE SICK!
OH, THAT...
WAIT A MINUTE. THAT MIGHT WORK.
SHE MOTHERED THE HECK OUTTA YOU WHEN YOU
BROKE YOUR LEG THAT TIME.
RIGHT. I COULD SAY I HAVE A FEVER.
OR BETTER YET, WE COULD GO OUT TO THE GARAGE,
I HIT YA IN THE ELBOW WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
I'M GONNA STICK WITH THE FEVER.
YOU WANNA GO THROUGH LIFE DOING EVERYTHING HALF-ASSED,
THAT'S YOUR DECISION, SON.
OKAY! HA HA HA.
THEY SAID THEY'D WAIT OUT FRONT.
HERE WE GO! COLD BEER AND HOT BABES!
OR VICE VERSA.
HEY, GUYS,
DID WE GET A YES OR A NO ON THE FAT QUESTION?
OH, GOODY. THEY'RE NOT FAT. THEY'RE JUST OLD.
IF YOUR VOICE IS HOT,
THEN YOU SHOULD BE HOT!
THOSE ARE THE RULES!
DAMN OLD LADIES WITH HOT VOICES.
LET'S GO.
NO, NO, NO. I'M STAYING. YOU TWO ARE SHALLOW.
I'M NOT SHALLOW, FEZ.
I JUST JUDGE CHICKS ON THEIR LOOKS.
SUIT YOURSELF. BUT SOMETIMES THE OLD ONES
ARE SUPER GRATEFUL.
YEAH. OKAY, FEZ,
BUT IF YOU WIND UP IN SOME CAR FEELIN' UP JUNE CLEAVER,
DON'T COME CRYING TO ME! YEAH!
HELLO, MY LOVELIES.
I AM JULIE.
WHICH ONE OF YOU IS HOT TO TROT?
JULIE?
YES?
HEY! YOU MADE IT! I'M HOT TO TROT.
I'M FOXY LADY.
AND I'M NICE AND EASY.
YOU'RE NOT FAT...
OR... OLD AT ALL!
OF COURSE NOT. WE'RE GYMNASTS.
DEAR PENTHOUSE...
[COUGH COUGH]
I'M REALLY SICK.
MOMMY.
AND... I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME.
WELL, YOU DO FEEL A LITTLE WARM.
RIGHT. 'CAUSE I'M SICK.
OR YOU STUCK A HOT TOWEL ON YOUR HEAD, ERIC.
FINE. I'M NOT SICK. I JUST...
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BE MAD ANYMORE, MOM.
OH, HONEY, I'M NOT MAD.
I'M JUST...
HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY DEPRESSED.
LOOK...
MOM, I'M NOT ALL GROWN UP, AND I DO STILL NEED YOU FOR STUFF.
OH, YOU DO NOT.
SURE, I DO.
REALLY? FOR WHAT? LIST IT.
I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME...
I NEED YOU TO...
I REALLY NEED YOU TO GET OUT OF BED,
'CAUSE DAD'S BEEN MAKING MY LIFE EXTRA MISERABLE!
WELL, OKAY, THAT ONE I BUY.
SO... ARE WE OKAY NOW?
OH, HONEY,
NO!
WELL, I'M SORRY, I JUST... I DON'T LIKE YOU GROWING UP,
AND I DON'T LIKE IT, AND I'M NOT GONNA.
BUT I...
I GUESS IT'S JUST SOMETHING I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET USED TO.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM?
I'M ALWAYS GONNA NEED YOU.
BECAUSE CHANCES ARE...
DAD'S GONNA BE RIDING MY ASS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
YEAH.
YOU REALLY DO RUB HIM THE WRONG WAY, HONEY.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HOW YOU DOIN'? THAT'S A REALLY NICE ROBE.
UH... lT THAT REAL VELOUR?
HEY... THOSE GAS PRICES ARE, LIKE, ARRRHH... RIGHT?!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
IT'S A SHAME ABOUT ELVIS.
TOO SOON.
SO...
YOUNG.